Thursday, February 28, 2013

An easy ALPHA/BETA test

Athol's advice also lends itself to a simple and basic relationship metric:
OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s wifey? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Wifey…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s wifey! She’s in the laundry. Hi wifey. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh wifey your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So stop it. Stop chasing your wife through the house like a toddler. She’ll be right back. Just because you can’t see her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.

STOP IT. JUST DON’T DO IT.
If she complains that you're smothering her: BETA

If she complains that you ignore her and spend all your time [fill in the blank]: ALPHA

It's not entirely true, of course, but it's a potentially useful rule of thumb. And while both are potentially problems, the fact that they require such different solutions should indicate the importance of correctly marking where you stand.

23 comments:

loveashley.net said...

What if they do both?

VD said...

Then she's just complaining to hear herself complain and you have carte blanche to do whatever you like without paying any attention to what she says.

"Communication" devoid of meaningful content is not communication, it is noise.

Doom said...

I only know she isn't there, when I have a her, when I need something from her or have... evaded her. :) Does wanting to know where she is so I can not be there count? Well, and women are absolutely a joy to sneak up on. They are so often so oblivious. I often wonder how in the world they have survived. By the grace of God, men, and the fact that we take the hits for them... I presume.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, men, for protecting us women where we can not fully take care of ourselves. We take you for granted far too often.

Josh said...

Just because you can’t see her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.

This is amusing given athol's atheism.

Anchorman said...

Okay, this turned into a long post. BLUF: How I think a Christian can avoid frustration after taking the Red Pill.
It’s interesting. When I first started down the Red Pill path, I was certain I was 100% beta-chump. My marriage blew up and I was neck deep in Churchianity and self-flagellation. After almost a year of study, introspection, and brutal self-criticism, I’m not nearly as convinced I was the AFC. I was frustrated in my marriage, but I didn’t pine for my wife’s approval. I went out when I wanted, unabashedly drank as much as I wanted, and blew off “obligations.” I never bought an engagement ring, Valentines Day card, or present and only once bought an anniversary present – and that was because she pulled a “You never do this” card. I did it once and never after in 13 years together. I never withheld love or affection, but I made it clear that I thought it was all a colossal waste of money and empty. Likewise, my wife went wherever she wanted, with whomever she wanted, and did whatever she wanted.
I didn’t lead her, Biblically or otherwise, and that’s my sin and regret. I don’t think she would’ve submitted, because she lived in open and unrepentant rebellion. What attracted me to her was that she wasn’t needy. She was and is very feminine, still pretty for a woman in her 40s (sans love-goggles after divorce, I still recognize she looks an easy 10 years younger than her age), and I still think the only reason she ended our marriage is because the world broke her decades before I met her (sexual abuse, witness to physical abuse, lousy parental relationships). She went nuclear with false allegations and still mouths them to outsiders, though our one on one relationship stuns therapists and our custody evaluator. On several occasions, I’ve heard “You act like a normal, married couple. Why are you divorcing?”
Was I “alpha?” “Beta?” “Upper beta (whatever that is)?” I don’t know. I stopped that exercise months ago because I realized that, whatever I was, no guy could’ve kept my wife in a marriage (yes, chicks “flake” on alphas, even “Skittles man” has been flaked on, I’m sure).
The point I’ll eventually get to is this. You can and should put in a plan to improve yourself (I credit Athol, Dalrock, Vox, Rollo and Roissey for doing yeoman’s work), shed the neediness that was drilled into you via culture, and definitely square yourself with Christ. All man-made philosophies will falter or fail at some point because the foundation is worldly. So, when they fail, get back to your feet, spot your short-comings and mistakes, and quit blaming and shaming yourself for beta/gamma/delta/whatever traits. Don’t bounce around the cockpit in anger and frustration and come back to the same problem and no plan to fix it. Work the problem.
There should be one word on the lips of others to describe a man with amused mastery, with unflappable temperament, with emotional control and genuine self awareness: Christian. When I researched my admittedly hastily written book on this topic, I was stunned and yet not shocked to find Christ lived a perfect and masculine life. Read the account of his first public miracle. He’s chilling at a wedding. His mom comes to him and gives him a fitness test (The unofficial transcript: Wine’s running out! Oh noes! What to do…Jesus, did ya hear me? What to do….). His response? Well, read it for yourself. John 2: 1-11. Agape. Servant’s heart, but mindful of His place/mission in the world and gently reminding others of their role. No game (in the sense of “playing head games”). Amused mastery. Unflappable.

Anchorman said...

Read the account of the adulteress. John 7: 53-8:. People hollering. Woman weeping. Crowd going nuts. He draws in the dirt. Slow to speak. Slow to react. Let them settle down. Don’t reward bad behavior with undue attention. They brought her to Him as a matter of religious violation, not civil, since He clearly had no civil authority and they were only interested in trying to get Him to blaspheme. Oh, but after the crowd leaves, He has a command for the woman. You won’t face punishment (His sacrifice will pay the debt), but sin no more.
Going full circle to the scenario above. It’s clichĂ©, but WWJD? He wouldn’t chase after a woman. That doesn’t mean He doesn’t care how she filled her hours. Members of churches are out of sight of the pastor throughout the week. Doesn’t mean the pastor isn’t mindful. Your home is a bethel. Your home is a church. What goes on inside a church matters to a pastor. What enters the door, leaves through the back door, is spoken within the walls, etc. matters to the pastor and the pastor is responsible. You, too, are as responsible if you choose to marry.
Don’t chase after her or feel the need to watch her every move, but never forget you are responsible for your church. God has told her to submit. Hupotasso, military origin, as in how a sergeant submits to the authority of an officer – not blind obedience as feminists wish to twist the word, but informed, consensual submission to the authority God has placed in the role to lead. You are to love as Christ loved. You are to lead with self-sacrificial love. It’s a tough balance and a thin path with many snares at the edges to trip you up and get you to quit. If you’re not up for it, don’t marry. If you’re married, study and mimic the best model for the behavior – Christ.
You’ll sin. You’ll get angry for selfish reasons. You’ll dishonor Christ by calling yourself a Christian and behaving like a glutton. God knows your role is tough. He lived it. He wanted to show you how to handle situations by allowing others to document His actions on this world, so the enemy couldn’t convince you that He doesn’t understand your temptation and your stresses. He knows a level of temptation that none of us faced. The enemy tempts you just enough until you sin. Starts small and slowly builds until you cave. Then, whuddya know, the temptation stops. Doesn’t it? Jesus faced temptation in the garden that built, and built, and built. He was alone. No friends. Just the enemy. Oh, He knows temptation. He felt it on a level that would crush us. When the world – when the enemy – pushes you from the narrow path, be slow to speak, anger, react. Turn your mind to God. Memorize a prayer for the specific situation of resisting sin and pray aloud to God (the spoken word offered to God is far, far, far more pleasing and powerful – Consider: God “spoke” the universe into existence). If you sin, get back on the path. He paid such a terrible price for your sin that you cannot imagine a sin so depraved that being whipped to the bone, have your lasting legacy mocked (crown of thorns), kicked and dragged through the streets, spat on by neighbors, shunned by your best friends, nailed to a cross, legs broken and left to die a slow, excruciating death doesn’t seem harsh enough to fit the sin. They didn’t even hang Him next to badasses, just normal people (thieves) shared His fate during His last hours.

Anchorman said...

(((I heard the account many times and the words were probably spoken to me by clergy, but I never really contemplated why thieves and not murderers or rapists. Something we’ve all probably did at some point (taken something not ours). Criminals we can relate to and He tells the repentant one, the one who cannot fathom why an innocent is paying with His life, that He will be with God soon. Was He talking to us? Did He open the heart of the “good thief” at that time so we would know when our hour approached, He would be with us and He has paid the ransom? And when the hour approaches (and no one knows when), you will be on one side of His sacrifice or the other. We will be punished for our worldly crimes (the thieves were being punished under civil law), so expect it and don’t expect God to get you out of such jams. Christ wasn’t crucified for breaking a Roman/civil law. No price paid for a civil/worldly crime. The price for sin, though, is paid. The Word is perfect.)))
Vox, I didn’t mean to post a magnum opus in a thread about a seemingly trivial matter. A lot of this has been running through my head for years. I try to reconcile what I witness in the world and learn from experience with God’s Will. Turn the other cheek is about forgiveness and temperance, it’s not a suicide pact. So, while God remains in the driver’s seat, I’ll still buckle up because there are other drivers out there that I need to watch.
I hope this helps someone who hears Red Pill wisdom and struggles to fit it into a Christian life. I may re-write my book at some point, because that was the central theme. Re-reading it now, though, I see more work is needed. I’m committing to finishing each of John MacArthur’s New Testament Bible study workbooks before I do it, though.

DmL said...

Do people actually do this?

Stickwick said...

These kinds of posts are helpful, because they explain behavior I always interpreted as cold-hearted on my husband's part. I complain to my husband that I could go missing for two days and he wouldn't notice*. He's very self-sufficient and tends to get absorbed in whatever he's doing. Every now and then he seeks me out, and it's a very nice thing. Except for those times when ...

Well, and women are absolutely a joy to sneak up on. They are so often so oblivious. I often wonder how in the world they have survived.

... he suddenly appears out of nowhere and startles the heck out of me. He always says it's not deliberate, but this comment makes me think otherwise.

* To be fair, somewhere around the second day he'd probably be very concerned about where I was.

Anchorman said...

I would sneak up on my wife and spook her. She’d punch at me, but clearly got a thrill from it. She tried to jump at me from behind a door and, instead of being startled, I drew back a fist and lined up instinctually. Her hands went up and, obviously, I didn’t hit her, but she never did it again.

Just a word of caution. I might’ve been more aggressive (former paratrooper), but know your guy before trying to startle him.

the bandit said...

> know your guy before trying to startle him

In an absolutely pitch-black hallway, I once punched my brother when he tried to jump me like that. I actually realized it was him by the time I connected, but not in time to pull the punch.

rrm said...

"They didn’t even hang Him next to badasses, just normal people (thieves) shared His fate during His last hours. "

Do you think the Romans wasted crucifixion on petty thieves? Crucifixion was punishment with a point. The two were somehow a threat to Roman order, as was Jesus. It's more likely they were terrorists than they were normal people.

rrm

Doom said...

Stickwick,

After two days, I would become concerned, and start a war if necessary to get her back. It's not a lack of love, just expressed differently. The incessant talk and need for confirmation. Tuckers me (us) out. And, yep, my guess is... no accident there. *Boo!* God I love that!

Anchorman,

Actually, while a combat type myself, I love to have my women try to sneak up. I... enjoy it, without default. My friend-foe is exceptionally good, so that isn't an issue. I just haven't found a woman who has the... senses... the quietude. Women broadcast on every channel from body to mind to... I've tried to teach a few, but it's just not there for them, sadly.

Doom said...

Then again, I sneak up on my cats too. Not as hard as it seems, they sleep a lot, you know. Even just sitting there looking at something, with their eyes wide open. If you don't make noise or cause a shadow to follow in their narrowed vision, it's easy. Just... careful with their claws... trust me.

Anchorman said...

rrm, I don’t know. However, considering societies (thinking Victorian England, IIRC) used capital punishment fairly indiscriminately to send messages of intimidation, I wouldn’t be shocked if they were common thieves.

Stickwick said...

It's not a lack of love, just expressed differently. The incessant talk and need for confirmation. Tuckers me (us) out.

Yeah, you're right.

I asked Husband recently why he didn't seem to be aware of anything I was doing or where I was for hours at a time, but it turns out he's quite aware; he just doesn't verbalize every little thing like we women do. He knows my habits and patterns, and doesn't see any reason to say anything unless he wants my company or there's something significantly out of the ordinary. That's the way men are, and thank goodness. If men were more like us, we'd get tired of it pretty fast.

Speaking of cats and sneaking, we have THE most unaware cat in all of God's kingdom. She's not the type to claw, so it's endless fun to startle her.

Jestin Ernest said...

Stickwick said...
he just doesn't verbalize every little thing like we women do.




you married a Finn ... and you're confused why he doesn't talk very much?

*facepalm*


i mean, yeah, guys are less verbal than women. but woman, you intentionally married an outlier.

http://satwcomic.com/make-a-good-impression

Stickwick said...

Jestin,

Ordinarily, you'd be right on the money with that observation. However, Husband is extraordinarily talkative and outgoing for a Finn. Even by American standards, he's extroverted (which is one big reason he left Finland).

The problem is, most women have to know where everyone in the family is and what they're doing at all times. We like to think it's an expression of our love for our families, but it's probably just a security / control / anxiety thing. When men don't behave the same way, it can seem like a lack of caring. What it really seems to be, though, is that men just send out a ping once in a while to see if the situation is normal, and if so, carry on with their business.

Duke of Earl said...

Sometimes, when I'm over at the fiancée's place she wonders if I'm getting bored with nothing to do. For me, playing some Final Fantasy 6 on my phone (Game Boy Advance emulator FTW) or reading a book, I'm a little bemused by her comments.

She must be reading into my contented inactivity the boredom she imagines she would feel under the same circumstances. Me: I'm happy, I'll let you rub my back later.

rrm said...

Anchorman,
Rome had more than one means of capital punishment. For instance, after Constantine outlawed it, the Romans would "fork" such victims, hanging them by the neck on a wooden fork. At least they died quicker.

As for crucifixion, it was reserved for lower classes and troublesome regions in order to maintain order through example. If those in Luke were thieves (the Greek word does not demand that), they were violent ones and had enough of a reputation that the Romans responded accordingly. Best source: Hengel's Crucifixion in the Ancient World. He pulled together every ancient reference to crucifixion he could find.

I know, it's off topic, but there it is.

Anonymous said...

Vox: "If she complains that you ignore her and spend all your time [fill in the blank]: ALPHA"

Last night:

She: I want cuddles?

Me: No, I'm too busy now, maybe later.

Easiest test to pass. Now I wish I could overcome my acute approach anxiety, then I could bag that little strumpet that keeps eyeing me up.

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that my husband and I are comfortable companions who enjoy sharing the same space where he often does his thing and I do mine? Posts like this always make me feel like we should have an aversion to the mere sight of one another. We also *gasp* enjoy sharing conversation with one another, share a good number of interests in common (both being geeks helps) and are very good friends as well as lovers.

Of course, in the Christian sense, I generally role with what he wants most of the time because it's generally pretty agreeable to me, and when it's not, he has no problem coming up with something else because I'm usually not adverse to what he wanted to begin with. I don't need fancy stuff for the holidays, usually a trip out to dinner at his favorite restaurant where I get the bonus of either a dinner drink or a dessert will do.

Oh,

And the occasional book. I LOVE books the same way most women like shoes. He knows this and feeds my habit on occasion by using my Amazon wish list; then he reads the book when I'm done.

And we happy. Simple.

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